Revelations in the Stairway

another gem

2009-03-10T00:00:00.005-04:00

How is it that "Full House" and "I Dream of Jeannie" are still in re-runs, but not this?? I need my Nell.

That was the Season 1 Intro. Season 3, if you please...

I KNOW. Much better! They changed the lyrics, borrowed Herbie Hancock's synthesizer, and really snazzed things up.

In an age where kids have their first set of veneers by 3rd grade, it's cool look back and see Lara Jill Miller with real, old-fashioned metal braces. No ceramic brackets! No Invisalign! And that poor aquarium really got a workout, didn't it?? First the vacuum, then the juggling. I hope the fish negotiated a better contract. The best, of course, is when Nell strangles that lying bastard scale to death.

In the last couple seasons, they brought in a bunch of new characters, but it just wasn't the same ol "Gimme"! Well, I liked her best friend Addy cuz Nell was always tackling her and wrestling around with her for various reasons. The friend's name was Telma Hopkins in real life and every time I saw the credits, I thought her name was Thelma and they forgot the H. Joey Lawrence, however did NOTHING for me. A singing, tap-dancing, cheese-grinning boy with a Dorothy Hamill bowl haircut exactly like mine? Why waste my time when I could be drooling over Tommy, the blonde, sun-tanned stud from "Alice". Give ME a break.

sniffing out a criminal

2009-03-07T18:41:00.006-05:00

I won't bore you with the details. Basically, a guy broke his leg on purpose so he could wear a cast made of cocaine and smuggle it through the airport. How would you like it if you snorted up one of the chunks that was wrapped around his smelly toes, or the bottom of his dry, flaky heel?

strange, yes. perfect, hardly

2009-03-06T23:56:00.006-05:00

For some reason I was thinking about this goofy show today.

The opening credits to 80's sitcoms were the absolute best thing in the whole world. For every show, they actually hired someone to write a song that explained exactly what the show was about. Or they sing about how tough life is, but you can achieve anything anyway. So even though Balki and Cousin Larry (pronounced "Co-Sin Leddy") worked in a newspaper mailroom, they still had a pretty cool apartment and hot blonde girlfriends with large ta-ta's. (Balki's "America or Burst" sign was a premonition. His future lady-friend is practically bursting out of her shirt, so he got both of his wishes.) So anyway, the entire first minute of every show was filled with the elaborate song, actors' names and headshots, and all the hilarious, adorable, physical mishaps taken from clips of the show. Pie in the face, dancing a jig, dropping a wedding cake then blowing your bangs out of your eyes and shrugging your shoulders...and as Balki and Larry demonstrate above, the classic "getting lost in a revolving door" gag, which is only SLIGHTLY less predictable than the ol' "pregnant lady in an elevator" gag.

Sadly, the customized "theme song" has become a dying art...the stuff of legend! Speaking of legend, where exactly is Bronson Pinchot these days?? I picture him sharing a studio apartment in West Hollywood with Richard Grieco and eating Cup-O-Noodle for most of his meals. But he still can't go to the mall without 'perfect strangers' (haha) begging him to say his famous catchphrase "Get out of the city!" in his best Balki voice.

"Don't be ree-deek-ulous!!"

she was going for an even 2000

2009-01-23T23:30:00.003-05:00

Who has time to kill one thousand nine hundred and sixty seven people?

na na na na...na na na na...

2009-01-20T15:32:00.005-05:00

...hey hey hey...goodbyyyyyyyye.

40 is the new delusional

2008-12-04T23:09:00.008-05:00

I saw a movie on Lifetime last week (Yes, Lifetime. Don't even say it...) starring Ann-Margret. The movie itself was average, but what made it remarkable was that Ann (who was 55 at the time) played a 45-year old in the movie. And it was believable! I could only hope to look that well at 35 much less 55.

Today there was a preview for another upcoming Lifetime movie (YES, Lifetime again...) called "Flirting with 40". From what I can tell, it seems very "Stella-Got-Her-Groove-Back"-ish. Woman who is uncharacteristically attractive for her age meets a younger man, etc.

So I saw the title "Flirting With 40" and thought, ok it must be a story about a member of AARP (Heather) who falls for a younger guy who's 40, hence the title "Flirting With 40". I'm not being unkind, I just happen to know that Heather is nearly 50 because they talk about it ALL THE TIME in the entertainment news, and how great she looks in a bikini and what not. And I agree! So then I read the synopsis of the movie on the TV directory.

"A divorced mother approaching her 40th birthday falls for a younger man while on vacation."

I try to keep a PG rating on my blog, but this calls for a "Bitch, please!" "Approaching" her 40th? "Flirting" with 40? Honey, Heather Locklear done approached 40, flirted with it, married it, had it's babies, divorced it, took it to the cleaners, microwaved it, ate it, puked it up, and flushed it down the terlet.

And I say that with the utmost respect. But it's a little insulting when movies try to pass these women off as something they're just not. Here's the irony: The steps that actresses take to make themselves look younger are actually a dead give-away to their TRUE age! In Heather's case, I'm talking about the bloated trout-pout lips. She must stop taking plastic surgery advice from her BFF's Melanie Griffith and Priscilla Pressley immediately. I know you're with me on this. When you start to see the aging celebrities' swollen collagen lips and waxy chemical peel foreheads, you know you make that clicking sound with your cheek, shake your head, and say "Ooooh, dear. Look at that. So sad."

Really, you can make sense of all this with some simple Hollywood math.

Suzie is 68 years old and wants a face and neck-lift. The 4-hour surgery is done on a Monday, and the total bill is $37,000. Suzie's net-worth is appoximately $779,000, and she has a 32" waist. If it takes her 6 weeks to recover from the surgery and she pays for it with a credit card ending in 5862, how old will Suzie look when it's finished?

So you add up the 4, the 37,000, the 779,000, the 32, the 6, and the 5862. That gives us 821,904. Now substract that number from itself. That leaves us with zero. Now add that to Suzie's age. What do you have left? Let me get a calculator. Let's see...carry the five...divide by the square root of Pi...okay, I have 68. Suzie will look 68.

I laugh now, but let's see if I'm singing a different tune 20 years from now, right? I'll probably be settling down for the night to watch TV with my 15 cats and I'll catch an old re-run of "Flirting With 40" on Turner Classic Movies. As the TV screen glows brightly on my face that now looks like Bonneville Salt Flats, I'll look at Heather and think to myself "Oh yeah. She can totally pull off 40. Just look at those plump, youthful lips."

back in black...berry

2008-12-02T01:09:00.005-05:00

Thanks to the kind thoughts and positive energy of you, my friends, the ol' Berry has awoken from his slumber and lives to see another day. His screen finally blinked on this morning and has glowed brightly all day. Aside from a few water spots under his glass and the faint smell of Palmolive, he seems to be back at his fightin' weight.

I guess he just needed a couple of days to dry out after the holidays. Don't we all...

keep your friends close, and your blackberry closer

2008-11-28T22:11:00.002-05:00

On the Friday after Thanksgiving, my work-issued Blackberry fell into a sink full of soapy dishwater and I'm afraid it did not survive the fall. This happened right after I'd finished watching an 8-hour "Godfather" marathon. Seemed like a tragic coincidence that my Blackberry suffered a similar fate as a character in the movie. I was reminded of the point where they discovered that Luca Brasi "sleeps with the fishes".

As for my Blackberry? Sleeps with the dishes.

adulteration

2008-11-20T18:11:00.005-05:00

Just one year ago, I could be found sitting cross-legged on the floor enjoying a dinner of Pop-Tarts and a hot dog which I may or may not have heated up first. I was watching old re-runs of "Reba", chuckling to myself and thinking "That kooky Barbara Jean..."

Fast forward to yesterday. I'm lying on the couch, watching Larry King Live (by choice), while eating my dinner of cottage cheese with tomatoes and chicken salad with whole-grain crackers. During the commercials I'm thinking "My back is sore" and "I should have emailed this-person and that-person at work."

Today I attempted to re-capture my youth by wearing an old college sweatshirt and eating microwaved Pasta-Roni for lunch. I pretty much looked like a 33 year-old in a ratty sweatshirt whose fingers were swollen from all the sodium in the powdered cheese packet. Better luck next year.

more fun with captions

2008-10-27T17:54:00.008-04:00

Sometimes you smoke the pipe, sometimes the pipe smokes you! -Mau
Never one to be out done, Earl "Pee Wee" Johnson set out to prove that size DOES, in fact, matter. -Marceline (Happy Birthday!)
Jimbos attempt to make a giant golf club goes all wrong, somehow the end stuck to his face as he tried to look for the problem. -Katie
Honey, you in there? -Nancy
Mystery solved - Experts now know why there hadn't been a single case of glaucoma reported within 80 miles of Ted's house in over 10 years.
Not being a football fan, Leonard TOTALLY missed the point when his friend invited him to a Super-Bowl party.
....so Jack traded his magic beans for the Giant's pipe, smoked down the beanstalk, and lived happily ever after. The End.
The new and improved pot-bellied stove.
Just in time for Christmas, Hasbro introduces the re-engineered "Easy-Bake Oven" to target a whole new demographic.
In the year 2035, a Rubinesque-looking Steve O. stars in "Jackass the Movie, Part XIV."
I'm Popeye the Reeeeeefer-maaaaan, I smokes every chance I caaaaan...I eats a big lunchy, When I'm feelin' munchy, I'm Popeye the Reeeeefer-maaaan! [Toot-toot!]
Man, you can get ANYTHING at Costco these days!
Honey, I Shrunk the Pot Head

Your turn - have at it!

match a lonely photo with its caption

2008-10-20T18:48:00.014-04:00

I saw this picture online and it needed a good caption:

You got to knoooow when to hold it... - Mau

Nuh uh...I'm not gonna try it. YOU try it. Let's get Mikey to do it. He'll try anything. Hey Mikey! - Marce

Elvis' real meaning behind "a hunk, a hunk of burning love" - Katie
Barely able to suppress his giggles, the prison warden delights in the fact that an inmate's execution date FINALLY fell on April 1st.
An old-fashioned Johnson Family weenie roast.
In the middle of construction, it looks like the plumber and the electrician just "fizzled" out.
After getting caught in his own trap yet again, Wile E. Coyote deeply regrets drinking that entire grande macchiato right before setting up his Acme Whizzinator 2000 for the Road Runner.
It was a deadly mistake when the electric company accidentally typed a "P" instead of an "M" on Clyde's work order before sending him to the old Hatfield place for their weekly "meter"-reading.
Hot pot.
"Okay...I think it was Colonol Mustard...in the Conservatory...with the electrically charged urinal."
Little Billy TOTALLY missed the point when his science teacher asked the class to construct lightening rods out of everyday household items.
(spoken by The Devil) "I'm sorry Mr Ritchie, we made a deal. It's too late to change your mind. It's either this, or stay married to Madonna. I'll go around the corner and give you some privacy. Holler when you're fin...well...never mind. I'll be back when you're done."
How Dude ended up looking like a Lady.

Now leave YOUR caption ideas, my hilariously clever friends. It's fun!!

let the games begin...

2008-09-13T22:55:00.006-04:00

Spoiler Alert! If you haven't seen Episodes 1 and 2 of Bravo's Top Design this season: (A) Shame on you, and (B) you might not want to read this, as it reveals many juicy details that I have so gleefully observed as I cheer for my favorite contestant, Big Daddy Kerry. Quite an interesting mix of folks they've assembled this season, the eccentricities of which are just BEGGING to be blogged about.

I'd like to start with a tip for Andrea, aka, "Mrs. Rick Shroder". If you want to distinguish yourself as someone besides Rick Shroder's wife, you might want to stop mentioning that you're married to Rick Shroder at least four times per show, and stop showing pictures of you with your husband Rick Shroder. Anyone born before 1985 can tell who Rick Shroder is just by seeing the back of Rick Shroder's head, so that photo of you embracing Rick Shroder makes it clear to everyone that you're married to Rick Shroder.

And now, on to the people who are not married to Rick Shroder. Could someone please make Natalie stop talking? While everyone else was in History class learning that it was actually the JAPANESE who were bombed at Hiroshima, she must have been scribbling "I Heart Rick Shroder" all over her Trapper Keeper, with a big circle dotting the "i" in "Rick".

Also not married to Rick Shroder, we have Shazia, the absent-minded little scamp who nearly ruined her entire team's fabric and wallpaper stash by letting the sink overflow in Episode 1. In 50 years, they'll open up her bomb shelter and determine that 49 years and 51 weeks ago, she sadly succumbed to extreme carbon monoxide poisoning brought on by the scores of scented candles she left burning as she slept. The good news is, the stench of the body will be masked by the overwhelming smell of jasmine, french vanilla, and pumpkin orange spice.

Then there's someone named Teresa, who has completely faded into the background. Her only claims to fame at this point are (A) she's not married to Rick Shroder, and (B) she managed to not beat Natalie to death with a paint roller as they worked on their bunker together.

Ondine. She hasn't done anything yet that justifies launching an attack on her character, but we're only two weeks in. I give her credit for diplomatically mentioning that Andrea's husband looks alot like Rick Shroder from the back of his head, when you know she REALLY wanted to say "I like how that picture only shows half of your husband Rick Shroder's face so that someone besides me will eventually realize that your husband really IS Rick Shroder, at which point you'll innocently say you didn't realize that anyone would be able to tell that it's Rick Shroder from a picture that shows half of your husband Rick Shroder's face." By the way, Andrea didn't bring any pictures of her kids, by her husband Rick Shroder. They're not famous enough.

Dear, dear, Jennifer. She actually seems like a sweet, intelligent young woman, and is probably a terrific architect, but she was just a fish out of water on this show. Kudos to her for taking a risk and giving this design thing a shot, even though she's not married to Rick Shroder. For the record, if they had a Top Design Slam-Dunk B-ball challenge, she would blow everyone else AWAY. Buuuuuut it's not, so pack up your fabric swatches, sister!

Here's what I know about Eddie. (A) He doesn't like it when people steal his pillows, and (B) he works for Martha Stewart magazine. He's not as much of a name-dropper as Rick Shroder's wife, but he's managed to sneak Martha's name in there a couple times, which could become irksome if it continues. You can tell this dude totally lives and breathes interior design, b/c he literally bounces on his toes like an excited child when he discusses his work.

The deeeeelicious Preston. I might have to start wearing a bib during the show if he keeps walking around with that face. And that hair. And that chest. When he talks, it sounds like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons to me. I'm so enchanted by what I'm looking at, it renders me unable to formulate the sounds into words. Who cares what his bunker looks like, as long as he's in it? Rick Shroder WISHES he was married to him...

I think I could better appreciate Wisit's design talent if it didn't look like he was trying to scrape the enamel off his teeth with his lips when he talks. And sings. Opera.

In Episode 1, Nathan mentioned that he wanted to kill himself at one point, which I thought was a real coincidence, because so did I. That dumb hat he was sporting made him look a bit phallic, which I also though was a coincidence, since he seems like a bit of a Richard at times. He has redeemed himself with some pretty good designs, but he also keeps lucking out by getting good teammates. I have a feeling he's teetering on the edge of a massive hair-pulling, eye-scratching, cat fight meltdown, and if paired with the wrong person, he'll snap like a Thanksgiving wishbone.

Pauly Shore, find a new nickname because I officially dub Robert the new "Weasel". His was one of the most well-deserved dismissals in reality show history. My only regret is that he wasn't around long enough to be the target of Nathan's inevitable meltdown. I was looking forward to seeing what his trendy square eyeglasses would look like with a big crack in the lens.

Serge. This guy should be voted off simply for using the name "Serge" pronounced with a soft G, like in "Zsa Zsa". Henceforth, I shall refer to him as "Surge" out of sheer defiance. If his goofy name wasn't enough to get him eliminated, his heinously bad "Skippy-peanut-butter-and-upside-down-beer in a shadowbox" was.

And finally, you simply HAVE to love Big Daddy Kerry if not for his nickname alone. Hands down, he wins my award for "Most memorable sound-bites spoken by a reality show contestant." His quips cover Deep South subjects ranging from roosters in a barnyard to fat boys on a rotisserie. He has the ultimate small town country boy charm with big city class and talent. I look forward to many more Kerry-isms in the future, and if he was to actually win the award of "Top Design", why, I'd be happier than a prize pig at a 4-H Fair.

In closing, I'd like to add an interesting, and little-known bit of trivia. Andrea is married to Rick Shroder. Rick Shroder, Rick Shroder, Rick Shroder. Red Rover Red Rover, send Rick Shroder right over.

Rick Shroder!

bravo!

2008-07-17T21:58:00.005-04:00

TEAM KERRY, ALL THE WAY...

Top Design Cast Revealed

Read Kerry's Bio

as seen on cnn

2008-06-30T15:08:00.002-04:00

Some headlines should not be allowed to get paired together.

first class, second rate

2008-06-18T22:52:00.003-04:00

Let me just say that my experience in first class a few weeks ago was TOTALLY tainted by some boob who got on the plane before me. I had seat 1A, yes "ONE-A" (it doesn't get any more first class than that) so I get on the plane and there he was. The boob. Sitting in my precious 1A. I asked him what seat assignment he had (and to my credit I was incredibly polite considering the injustice of it all) and he smugly looked up from his paper and spat "1A". Hmph!

So I tattled, ehhh, told, the flight attendant that we had a double-booked seat, so she checked the manifest. And lo and behold, whose name sat at the top of the list? MINE. She tells me "That's definitely your seat." Then she told him he had to give up the seat to me, so we slid by one another, and you know how effortlessly you can move around the cabin while the plane is boarding. Once I got settled, he was stuck standing in the row behind me. So he calls someone on his cell phone and right next to my ear starts loudly telling this sob story about not knowing if he'll make it home tonight because the airline sold his seat to "someone else". Someone else indeed.

Since we were in the front seat, all the other first classers saw the whole thing unfold. They also saw him get relegated to a middle seat in row 16. From that point on, I just couldn't enjoy it. I didn't feel like I was truly in the first class "club" since I had to kick someone out to get there. I could feel the disapproving stares from the people nearby boring holes through me. I didn't even feel worthy of the free sodas that were being served in coach, much less a bloody mary. (Actually scratch that - I don't drink bloody marys on the plane ever since the flight attendant dropped one on me and I had to go around for the rest of the day looking I'd been nearly stabbed to death.)

Obviously, I hope this never happens again, but I assure you if there is a next time, I shall order TEN beers and whoop it up til the wings fall off.

random thoughts of the week.

2008-05-24T15:13:00.005-04:00

Travel = blog-worthy material!

Current destination: Phoenix Sky Harbor Airport.

Observation #1
Phoenix is poopy, poopy place.

Observation #2
I'm more daring than I thought. I just got off the moving sidewalk that says "Walk on the Left - Stand on the Right" and I'll have you know, I walked on the RIGHT. Yeah, I did it and I didn't even care that anyone saw me. What are you gonna do? Don't you dare judge me.

Observation #3
I feel irrational aggravation over trivial, irrelevant things. It annoys me to death when people eat pastries out of those brown paper Starbucks baggies. Popcorn, peanuts, potato chips - those are things you're allowed to eat out of a paper bag. But don't buy a scone or a muffin, pull off hunks of it and shovel the hunks in your mouth like that. And REALLY don't do it next to me on the plane when I'm trapped and have to watch the whole thing unfold.

Observation #4
Jillian Barberie needs to get out more. In her Nutri-System commercial, she claims "I'm not your average gal. I LOVE football... [catches a well-timed football coming at her] How many girls can do that?" ANSWER: Pretty much every girl I know, especially when the cameraman lobs it at you from 4 feet away. But congratulations on that 40 pounds you lost.

Observation #5
People know who I am. I got bumped from one flight and moved to another with a FIRST CLASS SEAT! The lady told me it was because that was the only seat left on the plane, but I know the truth.

Observation #6
My flight is about to leave.

fatherly advice

2007-10-23T01:14:00.000-04:00

I heard something today that hit me like a frying pan. It was from a father to his daughter, and he said:

"Pay attention to what a man does. Not what he says."

I shudder to think how much time this would have saved me if I'd heard it 10 years ago. So since the only 3 people who actually read my blog have daughters, maybe you could pass this along to your little ones.

headline of the week 10/13/07

2007-10-13T07:28:00.000-04:00

Police: Man loses ear in karaoke machine attack

Oh, the irony. The irony.

warm fuzzy on a chilly morning

2007-10-09T12:30:00.000-04:00

Last weekend, I stepped out of myself long enough to volunteer with the Kiwanis Club for the 31st Annual St. George Marathon. In the hours leading up to the race, I almost backed out twice: Once at midnight when I arrived in St. George from a trip to New Jersey, and again 3 hours later when I had to awaken from a fitful sleep in order to be at the finish line by 3:30 am. Knowing it was 40-something degrees outside, I reluctantly dragged myself downtown and sleepily found my way to parking lot duty, sporting my reflective safety vest and 2 glow sticks. As the cars began to trickle (then POUR) into the lot, we guided them into perfect rows with surgical precision.

Ok, that's a lie. It was a bumpy, oddly-shaped dirt lot with no lines, 4 am, and I seriously wonder if there are still some people out there trying to untangle their cars from one another. But we had the best of intentions!

As I mentioned, it was a mite' nippy, but the fanfare with which we were waving drivers into their parking spots helped get the blood flowing. Then as the runners exited the lot on their way to registration, we were met with a kindness that warmed us even more. At least two dozen people walked past us with smiles that most people can't muster until at least 10 am, and they thanked us. "Thanks for volunteering!" "Thanks for being here!" These nice folks recognized that we weren't just out there due to our love for the carbon emissions smell in the morning. It was the sort of kindness that rubs off on you. The sort of kindness you want to spread around. The sort of kindness that makes you forget the fact that the 2nd toe on your left foot is frozen clear through and would require amputation.

I came away from this experience knowing 2 things for sure:

1) I need to be more grateful to those who volunteer for me. I never even think about who's getting paid and who's not, but I plan on sitting up, taking notice, and acknowledging the effort from now on.

2) I'm going to volunteer again. To have another great day like this, I'd give an arm and a leg. Or...maybe just a toe.

branching out

2007-09-26T22:53:00.000-04:00

I recently took a spectacular trip to Europe, but when I told Katie I wanted to post pictures and blog about it, she said she'd rather see an update on my avocado plant. As always, I try to please the people, so here you go!

One month later, it's looking more like a tree, instead of a weed. At this rate, it will soon outgrow its pot and need to be re-planted into something bigger.

[Awkward silence. Crickets.]

That's it. I can't think of anything else to say about it. I must be suffering from writer's block. It must be all those fun and interesting stories about Europe clogging my brain...

humble beginnings

2007-08-18T23:10:00.000-04:00

This is an avocado tree that has been sprouted from a pit. On Sunday it was 1 inch tall, and now as you can see it's pushing 4 inches in less than one week. If you stare at it long enough you can almost see it move. Sprouting an avocado tree is just about the easiest thing in the world to do.

1) Eat an avocado.
2) Save the pit.
3) Wrap the pit in a wet double paper towel.
4) Place towel and pit in sealed Ziplock bag.
5) Throw it under your kitchen sink for a few weeks and forget about it.
6) After a few weeks, take it out, rinse off the slime.
7) Plant it in a pot about a half inch below the soil.
8) Water it so the soil never gets too muddy or too dry.

And that's pretty much it. Why couldn't all living things be this easy to care for? Wouldn't it be great if you could wrap up your bratty teenager in a wet paper towel and toss him under the sink for awhile, only to be retrieved weeks later, ready to grow into a mature adult??

penny for your thoughts

2007-08-14T23:34:00.000-04:00

Katie has brought my attention to today's Yahoo! cover story:

Synopsis: President Lincoln had an unusual degree of facial asymmetry, possibly caused when he was kicked in the head by a horse as a child.

Apparently, we've finished analyzing Hilary Clinton's hips, Seal's mystical cheek scars, and Tara Reid's botched franken-boobs. We've beaten the proverbial horse to death (perhaps as revenge for that kick in the head) and have now moved on to the physical imperfections of historical figures!

I can't think of a better use of anyone's time then creating highly technical scans of Lincoln's face to compare the circumference of his eye sockets. Brilliant! And I'm glad this face thing is now getting more attention than that silly Emanu...Emanga...Emanci...I dunno, some sort of Proclamation thingy. This is something that today's youth can really relate to. He's finally done something worthy of getting that lopsided face stamped on a penny!

what not to wear

2007-08-04T16:37:00.000-04:00

I think the woman in the Detrol LA commercials would have a lot more fun at the party if she didn't wear the sandwich board.

There are 2 things about this commercial that I find noteworthy. First, I don't think you could pay me enough to be in a commercial where I have to pretend I've lost control of a bodily function. It's going to happen for real eventually anyway, so I'd rather not have the world think it's happening now. Or worse yet, the dreaded STD medications. What happens when you tell people what you do for a living?

Date: So, what do you do?
You - I'm a commercial actress.
Date - Cool! What commercials have you been in?
You - ::coughValtrexcough::
Date - Would you excuse me? My beeper is going off.
You - You don't have a beeper.
Date [awkward silence] Would you excuse me?

I'd lie.

Date: So, what do you do?
You - I'm a commercial actress.
Date - Cool! What commercials have you been in?
You - Swiffer.

Secondly, check out the insensitive bitches on the left side of the photo, whose faces are contorted into fits of laughter at this woman's shame. The one on the far left is laughing so hard, she's actually bent over. Well, karma is an insensitive bitch too, and I hope she deals both of these women a bout of chronic, fiery, explosive diarrhea that they'll never forget. Then Miss Thang on the left will really have a reason to bend over.

Who's the party-pooper now?

super bawl sunday

2007-08-02T22:53:00.000-04:00

From FanNation.com:

Steelers' Wilson feels slighted

Cedrick Wilson feels ignored and he's not happy about it. The Steelers receiver complained yesterday that his quarterbacks don't throw the ball his way enough in practice or games, even when he's wide open. "I come out here and work hard just like everybody else. I deserve a couple of passes," an angry Wilson said shortly after morning practice ended on a pass play that provoked an outburst by him.

Moooom!! Ben Roethlisberger won't throw me the baaaallllll!!!

this is your pilot, uhhh, speaking

2007-07-25T23:09:00.000-04:00

On the way home from that suc-cess-ful trip to California, I realized I need to speak out on yet another issue of American air travel. It is regarding the pilots themselves and their devastatingly sub-par ability to make an announcement over the intercom. As many flights as they take, you'd think they would come up with some script for announcements, but they inevitably end up sounding like it's the first time they ever said it! You've heard it before. The gravelly-voiced mumbling, the long pauses, the loud POP! every time they say the letter P that blows that deafening blast of air into the mouthpiece.

Good afternoon uhhhhhhhhhhh this is your POP!-ilot, uhhhhhhhhhh...Welcome aboard Flight fifteen eighty two with service to uhhhhhh [20 second pause] POP!-ittsburg POP!-ennsylvania. Flight time is uhhhhhhhhhhh a-POP!-roximately one hour and uhhhhhhhhhhh eighteen minutes and the current weather in POP!-ittsburg is uhhhhhhhhhh...seventy-seven...

[Long pause during which you drink a Diet Coke and finish 2 Sudoku puzzles]

...degrees and sunny. Enjoy the flight

replacement parts

2007-07-25T20:11:00.000-04:00

I'm not the only one with some big shoes to fill. Luna was a fine piece of American...err Korean...ehhhh Japanese machinery, and I knew she'd be a tough act to follow. It wasn't until I happened upon this charcoal-colored beauty that I believed it could be done. It has a lot of neat gadgets, the most note-worthy being the Blue-Tooth capability with steering wheel-mounted controls. I'm so blinded by the coolness of it, that I really wouldn't care if the car itself was made out of Play-Doh. OK, after the novelty of the Blue-Tooth wore off, it probably WOULD bother me that it was made out of Play-Doh. Although, think how easy and affordable repairs would be...

a not-so-perfect "10"

2007-07-22T23:38:00.000-04:00

Last Friday I got off work and, like a fool, got all excited about shoe shopping for a much-needed pair of new sneakers. I optimistically made my way to the store, like a fool. I'm Pavlovian about the whole thing, really. I always head for the shoe store with excited anticipation the way the dog went for the food...and inevitably am met with the same disappointment as when Spot finds his bowl empty again.

To make my point, let's do a fun exercise. Go to www.shoes.com. Click the link on the left that says "Womens". (Humor me, guys.) See in the top right corner where it has the number of records found? Tonight it says 18,426. I'm sure that increases daily. Now scroll down on the left and narrow by Size 10.5. Now how many records found?

720.

I am a bona fide size 10.5. I own 10's that pinch, 11's that flop, and an irregular 9.5 that's not half bad. So let's look at the options on this website. Anything for the career woman? Hmmm, yes indeed, if your career is "prison guard", "professional pole vaulter", or "lumberjack". "Us big gals, we likes us some boots!"

Let's recap. Out of EIGHEEN THOUSAND entries on a website called "SHOES" dot com, 4% of them would potentially fit me, and most of them would only be appropriate if I spent my days a) lounging in my bathrobe, or b) wandering around in my vegetable garden.

If it's that bad online, I DEFY you to walk into any brick and mortar store and ask the salesperson for a womens 10.5 in anything. Note the look on their face. Then ask them for a shirt with three sleeves. The look on their face? Probably not so different!

farewell, old friend

2007-07-09T20:35:00.000-04:00

My dear Luna (full name: Luna E. Clipse) has gone to live with a lovely family in Leeds, UT, where she'll have lots more room to run and play.

Thanks for 4 years of loyal service. It's been a great run - I'll miss you, old girl.

the smell of success. but mostly just "cess".

2007-06-30T14:41:00.000-04:00

During a trip to the Silicon Valley last week, I visited a national landmark. On your next American road trip, don't miss "the Hoover Dam", "the world's largest ball of twine", and my latest discovery - "the world's most revolting smelling pool hall" in lovely Mountain View, CA. Upon entering, I recommend ordering 3 bottled beers: One to drink, and 2 to shove up your nose. In fact, call ahead, place your order, and have them handed to you in the parking lot, just to be safe. The smell of the room is best described as "feet + ass + eight types of cheese that have been sitting in the sun all day".

It's an experience your sinuses won't soon forget.

armed and dangerous

2007-05-01T22:19:00.000-04:00

The 2004 Arm Wrestling Nationals are on ESPN2 right now. Incidentally, unless they start airing reruns of the Brady Bunch on ESPN2, this is the first and last time I will ever tune in. As I was scanning the channels, I happened to hear that the contest was taking place at the Queen Victoria Casino in Rising Sun, Indiana which is about 30 mintutes from where I grew up.

Fascinating sport. These are the great minds of our society - especially the guy with the cleft palatte and missing tooth. What a philosopher he is. I wonder if doctors will EVER come up with a treatment for cleft palatte...

I digress!!

"This mah son. He guna be a world champion" he says, as he proudly showcases the green blob tattoo on his forearm that probably vaguely resembled a portrait of a young child at some point.

On to the competition! Physiologically, these men look...how shall we say..."interesting". I'm watching the "Left-handed" championships. Of course! I mean you have lightweight, welter-weight, heavy-weight boxing. It stands to reason you'd have leftie and rightie "arm-wrasslers". So their "wrasslin" arm bears a striking resemblance to two full-term pregnant hogs wrapped end-to-end in a flour tortilla. The "non-dominant" appendage, however, looks like someone tore off his real arm and replaced it with Paris Hilton's arm.

That's hot.

Finally, the hogs-in-tortilla-armed men step up to the competition podium...table...thing. With pads. The referee sets their chalk-covered hands in position after much trash talking, bitching, and struggling between contestants, the whistle blows, and 0.075 seconds later, our blob-tattoo, philosopher friend is baring his gap-toothed grin in victory. He's happy, but I can't help but have lingering sympathy for the guy who lost. He probably trained for months, raised money, perhaps even earned sponsorships, loaded up the RV and drove clear from Kokomo, Indiana to attend the championships, only to be eliminated in .075 seconds. Even in drag racing, you at least get to travel a quarter mile. Having your forearm slammed into a cheap vinyl pad hardly seems worth the tank of gas it took to get there.

All this arm-wrasslin talk gave me fond memories of the blockbuster Stallone hit "Over the Top". This movie is horribly wonderful in the same way that "Roadhouse" is horribly wonderful. If you haven't already, I highly recommend you watch the mis-adventures of James Dalton and Lincoln Hawk IMMEDIATELY. Don't thank me. It'll be the best 4 hours of your life, I sewar....I mean, I swear.

cringe: part 2

2007-01-14T16:27:00.000-05:00

Jackpot! I found a link to the infamous Jessica blunder: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xEGfIXh1O1w . This really chaps my hiney because 9 to 5 is my favorite Dolly Parton song. Nancy and I can sing it better in karaoke!

have your people call my people

2007-01-11T23:23:00.000-05:00

You know those business guys who talk loudly on their cell phones in public places, walking around, so all of us can get a piece of the action? I sat next to the King of that today in the airport. His name was Bill, and apparently his phone buddies were "Jim", "Hugh", and "Ellis". And he was throwing around all the cliche's: "Can you fax that over to me?"..."Let's make the deal for $2 million, 500,000 up front."..."They'll balk at that". Frankly, I wanted to balk at Bill. I think he was play-acting this whole thing to impress those around him. I mean come on, who is named "Ellis" and "Hugh" anymore? And who makes deals for exactly 2 million dollars? Aren't "deals" a little more complicated than that? 2.27 million - now THAT would be impressive. I wanted to lean over and give the poor sop my condolences: "I'm sorry you have no friends and a tiny winkie." Maybe you could ditch the fake business deals in the airport and take up an interesting hobby to boost your self esteem. Stamp collecting, trombone, needlepoint. Anything really"." But I kept quiet, since I might end up having to sit next to him on the 5 hour flight.

It did break his game a little when he saw me writing something in my notebook. I wasn't writing about him, but once I realized he thought I was, I tried to time my scribbling to coincide with key points of his conversation. That was fun for a few minutes, but then I spotted something shiny that kept me occupied for the next 30 minutes.

Then we boarded the plane and the fun was over. It's only on an airplane that any human would calmly tolerate a stranger's butt in their face, and being repeatedly beaten in the head by the carry-on baggage of every passenger that walks by. On days like this, I feel like "The Boy in the Plastic Bubble" didn't have it so bad. I want a bubble!

cringe

2007-01-03T11:12:00.000-05:00

Remember how I went on and on about how great the Kennedy Center awards were? Well, apparently it wasn't quite as great for ol' Jess and her audience. There are several news stories about the incident, but I found this one to be the most entertaining.And is it just me, or does her dress look like a paper doll outfit? She appears to be holding it up against her body like a cardboard cutout. If it had straps, she could have just worn it as a sandwich board and sold advertising: "Quizno's proudly supports the Kennedy Center. Mmmm Toasty!"

a mighty wind

2006-12-29T16:53:00.000-05:00

It is SO WINDY.
How windy is it??
It's SO windy, that every 6 hours I have to vacuum up the red dust along the edges of the front door. And not only that, but last night the security alarm kept tripping because the wind was blowing the front door slighty inward, tricking the alarm into thinking the door had been opened. At first it was amazing, and now it's just annoying! I would post pictures, but my digital camera is busted. This contstant roaring of wind makes me feel like I'm living under the El train in Chicago. I think hurricane Wilma sent her wrath to Utah. Apparently she didn't get me good enough the first time!

has it been 4 months?? you haven't aged a bit!

2006-12-27T21:18:00.001-05:00

Have my posts for the last 4 months not been showing up?? Huh, how weird. Must be some terrible computer glitch. I'll be speaking with the president of Blogger.com just as soon as I get a chance!

In a nutshell, the last 4 months have been super! The house now feels like a home, my back got a lot worse, but then alot better, Nancy and Katie are having BABIES (EEEK!!), and Marceline is my CO-WORKER AGAIN! Oh and Christmas was awesome too. Merry Christmas everyone! We celebrated in style by watching National Lampoon's on TBS. Nothing creates the magic of Christmas more than Cousin Eddie reciting the line "Save the (turkey) neck fer me, Clark."

In other news, President Ford died yesterday. He was 93, but it's still sad when we lose important historical figures. And speaking of presidents, the Kennedy Center Honors were on TV last night. That is one classy show. They honored Smokey Robinson, Andrew Llyod Webber, Zubin Mehta, Steven Spielberg, and Dolly Parton. I'd never heard of Mehta before, but apparently he's a really prolific orchestra conductor. Everyone got a terrific tribute. Kenny Rogers even showed up to sing for Dolly. He sounded great, but his face was pulled tighter than a snare drum. I'm really not feeling the whole "kabuki mask" look that plastic surgeons are going for these days. And Aretha said some nice things about Smokey, but I was so distracted by the her billowy dress that looked like about 100 brown paper grocery bags folded together. Someone's stylist needs a good talking-to.

OK, enough historical, educational stuff. I need a complete departure from that. I know! Let's talk about Britney and Kevin! I never thought I'd live to see the day when Kevin Federline appeared to be a better parent than his "baby mama". Britney couldn't be a bigger train wreck if she tried. A friend sent me one of the infamous photos that everyone's been talking about, but mercifully, someone had Photoshopped a "Biohazard" sticker over Brit's unmentionables.

Well, that's all I've got to say about that. See you in 4 more months!! Juuuuust kidding...

by popular demand

2006-08-01T15:41:00.000-04:00

I promised the Henrys that I would do less reporting on the water pressure at the condo and more reporting on the progress of the house. Give the people what they want, I always say.

Above: Note the "half-bath" situated in the front yard. That was an upgrade.

Are you sure you don't want more condo stories? I was planning this great little write-up on the air conditioning and how it emits a faint smell of raw poultry at given times during the day.

condo tour continued

2006-07-24T22:13:00.000-04:00

Speaking of the shower, let's talk more about that. The one here seems to have 2 distinct settings: "Gale Force Blast" and "Exorcism". I usually settle for "Blast", which is unfortunate since I left Florida specifically to avoid the hurricanes. Generally the routine is: turn on the water, be beaten nearly to death, fight the force of the water to turn it off, mop up the blood, repeat the next day.

The good news is, there are plenty of mirrors that aid in the dressing of the wounds.

mirrors, mirrors, on the wall

2006-07-24T18:31:00.000-04:00

One thing you immediately notice when you enter this condo is...yourself. Yes, that's right, "mirrors", folks. And lots of them. It's as if the contractor ran out of drywall and decided to use mirrors instead. Either that, or this place used to be a Gold's Gym.

The mirrors in the entryway, the living room, the bedrooms, the bathrooms, and the laundry area and are only mildly peculiar. It's the "other" mirrors that are downright disturbing.

This is me, standing in the shower. (Yes - IN the shower.) Look!! There I'm in the corner! And there I am again on the opposite wall! And look, the medicine chest! Why, I do believe I can get a full 360 degree view of my reflective personage. Which is funny, when you're clothed with a digital camera. Catch my drift? Oh merciful shower curtain...

neat animal story

2006-07-20T17:28:00.000-04:00

I had to share this inspirational story:

In 1986, Mkele Mbembe was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from college. On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air.

The elephant seemed distressed so Mbembe approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee and inspected the elephant's foot, and found a large thorn deeply embedded in it.

As carefully and as gently as he could, Mbembe worked the thorn out with his hunting knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather stern look on its face, stared at him. For several tense moments Mbembe stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away.

Mbembe never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later he was walking through a zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Mbembe and his son Tapu were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Mbembe and lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man.

Remembering the encounter in 1986, Mbembe couldn't help wondering if this was the same elephant. Mbembe summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. Suddenly the elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of the man's legs and swung him wildly back and forth along the railing, killing him. Probably wasn't the same elephant.

9-0-2-1-NOOO!

2006-07-20T17:16:00.000-04:00

The Soap Opera Network (aka SoapNet) plays back-to-back episodes of Beverly Hills 90210 from 3-5 pm each day. Right in the middle of the workday. Which basically means I'm doomed. I mean, I can't NOT watch. That's simply not an option. Best part is, I can identify with the characters even better now, since they were in their 30's back then anyway!

nothing "micro" about this wave!

2006-07-06T00:51:00.000-04:00

The tour of the new condo continues. The first time I tried to open the microwave, I nearly ripped the door off and dislocated my shoulder. This wood-grain monster has a push button door mechanism that I failed to notice.

There's something disconcerting about a microwave this old. You can almost feel yourself growing extra limbs if you stand too close it. But I do think the written instructions on the keypad are rather charming, and very thorough! "Franks, In Buns"..."TV Dinner, 12 oz". Why, I'm surpised they didn't try to cram the recipe for green bean mushroom soup casserole on there.

So nostalgic. I miss the 80's...but I don't miss the appliances!

speaking of roofs...

2006-07-03T02:08:00.000-04:00

Exactly 1 month ago, my house looked like this:

Now it looks like this:

It was supposed to take 4 months to build, but at this rate it's only going to take 2.5. Which would be perfect if I didn't have a 4 month lease on the buffalo condo. Holy rent and mortgage, Batman!!

In other news, I don't have to work tomorrow, there's a "Roseanne" marathon on TV, and the fridge is fully stocked. I am in heaven.

a new roof and something with a hoof

2006-06-30T23:41:00.000-04:00

The owner of the house I was renting wants to make it his permanant home, so Kelli had to go bye-bye. I moved into a condo across town. It's pretty decent, and there's a great northern view of the canyon.

More interesting than the view, however, is the giant Remington-esque statue of a somewhat anatomically-correct buffalo, which is consuming almost the entire surface of the living room end table.

Ain't she a beaut?? Or "he", I should say.

i'm a wheel watcher

2006-06-28T21:06:00.000-04:00

On these game shows, the contestants ALWAYS introduce their family as "My wonderful husband Chuck", "My beautiful wife Lorraine" "Two great kids - Jasmine 9, and Justin 6!", etc. When is someone going to mix it up a little and get real?? "I'm here with my verbally abusive husband, and my estranged teenage daughter, and I work a dead-end job at a paper-supply warehouse in a questionable neighborhood in downtown Detroit."

revelations in the beerway

2006-06-01T22:03:00.000-04:00

Another reason why you should never drink in the presence of co-workers. You might say idiotic things like: "If N'Sync and Van Halen merged, they'd be N'Halen. And they'd open for the Doobie Brothers".

[cringe]

a blogging we will go...

2006-05-30T00:34:00.000-04:00

I wish to apologize to my legions of fans (that includes both of you) for not posting in a while. Everyone else is so good, and I've turned into the big loser in our blogging circle, the Black Sheep of the Blog, if you will.

Well the silence is broken once again!! I wish to announce the purchase of a new home. It's new construction, which means I had to spend all day last Tuesday from 8:30 AM to 6 PM picking out all the colors, fixtures etc. It was a tiring, but fun day of critical decision making. Take the electrical outlet cover plates, for example. "Would you prefer creamy beige, sandy beige, almost beige, beigy-beige, or almond? Well, the decision might seem obvious to you, but one wrong shade of beige could've sent the whole planning session into a tailspin! (Actually, I added "sandy beige" in there as a joke. Could you imagine some fool picking "sandy beige"?? Ha!)

I am most pleased with my decision to use "Cultured Marble" in the showers. The other choices were "Uneducated Redneck Marble", "Smug Ivy League Marble", and "Blue Collar Alcoholic Marble". It was a toss-up between Redneck and Cultured, but I'm glad I upgraded, as the Cultured Marble is more well-traveled, worldy, and will likely make better dinner conversation. Besides, it'll be seeing me naked.

I drove out to the lot the other day and was thrilled to find that a dumpster and a Port-O-Let had been dropped into place. In all my life, I never thought I'd be so happy to find a portable crapper and an industrial sized trash container on my property. Just a sign of things to come!

That's all for me tonight. I'm going to New Jersey tomorrow, so that trip could spell more blogworthy material...

Uh, just one more thing. Do you guys think it's ironic that the word "blog" is not in the "BLOGGER.COM" spell checker?? It's like a fire department without smoke detectors!

it's boca java time!

2006-05-05T23:30:00.000-04:00

I am proud to be reviewing (and enjoying) my first cup of Boca Java Gourmet Coffee, while wearing my "Always Blog on a Full Tank" baseball cap, and sipping from the corresponding mug. Tonight's gourmet selection will be "Blogger's Pajama Passion - Blog the night away with this exotic flavored coffee featuring vanilla, kahlua, and caramel." Don't mind if I do!

So the first thing I thought when I tried it was "OW MY TONGUE - THAT'S HOT".

The NEXT thing I thought was "Q-U-A-L-I-T-Y". Seriously. I am blown away by how very drinkable this coffee is. With some flavored coffees, you end up getting something that either (a) tastes like hot chocolate, (b) is so strong you can't choke it down, or (c) is just plain bitter. I can confidently say that this coffee is none of those. The vanilla, kahlua, and caramel flavors are subtle, but just detectable enough to make the flavor VERY interesting. I decided that the next time I make a pot, I'm going to add 50% more beans to see if I can get even more of that good flavor to poke through. To be honest, I think it would be hard to screw up a pot of this coffee by using too few or too many beans, because the coffee itself is so high quality that it can handle variations in the amount you use.

I live in the high desert region of Utah, so it's pretty hot out here, but it'll never be too hot for a cup of Pajama Passion! Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for a warm up...stay tuned for more delicious flavor reviews!

shame on me

2006-04-21T03:25:00.000-04:00

It's been a long time since I posted. "Time" being the keyword. I've had NONE OF IT.

However, right now I have nothing BUT time! I'm stuck at the Atlanta airport. Due to bad weather I missed my connection and can't get another flight until 10:30 am. Terminal A is a ghost town, so it looks like Terminal C is the place to be. I was just over there and they like, totally have the hottest (a.k.a. "only") restaurant in the whole airport. The line looked like the entrance to Studio 54, circa 1979. But it was worth the wait! It's amazing how delicious a wilted salad and a lukewarm beer can seem when you need it so badly.

The booming voice on the airport intercom just reminded us all to not smoke and make sure make sure we don't leave our bags unattended. Not a problem, since almost everyone is sleeping ON their bags. Why go to a hotel, when you have Samsonite??

There was an intriguing guy in the restaurant earlier. In a nutshell, I'd describe him as "nerdy", but he seemed to deserve more than that mere simple label. He seemed like a nerd you would see in the movies, played by maybe...William H. Macy. For example, unlike most of the men in the restaurant, he ordered a salad and a lemonade, instead of Philly Cheesesteak and beer. He meticulously cut his lettuce into bite sized pieces so as not to smear dressing on the corners of his mouth and he handled the plastic fork like it was fine china. His straw was perched through his cup lid at a perfect 90 degree angle perpendicular to the table, and he sipped at his lemonade almost as meticulously as he cut his lettuce. He sat up straight as an arrow, had his feet crossed at the ankles, and every so often would glance around the room with a look of mild insecurity.

Most interesting of all was his suitcase. It was one of those old hard-sided cases with the spring loaded silver tabs that pop open when you push them in with your thumbs. And like everything else, the case had been placed carefully. By his feet, perfectly parallel to the lines in the tile floor. I imagined that it was filled with unfaded argyle socks and crisp white button up shirts that had been folded as carefully as the ones in the department store. The only thing puzzling about him was his shoes. They were so fashionable they were almost out of place. Everything else about him seem merely functional and classic, with not much regard to fashion...from his hairstyle, to his eyeglasses, to his Dockers.

Sometimes I want so badly to talk to people and find out if there's any reality to the perception, but I always think better of it. It's like when you read a book, and then you see the movie based on the book and you feel cheated because the lead character looks nothing like how you pictured him. For all I know, my restaurant guy could be carrying drugs and body parts in his little suitcase, so isn't it preferable to hang on to the fantasy I created in my mind and enjoy that instead?

On that note, I'm off to the facilities now to freshen up with the complimentary Delta Airlines toiletries kit. Get 'em while they're hot!!

now you see it...

2006-03-30T21:49:00.000-05:00

Driving to central FL this weekend on Hwy 27, I passed a place called "Vanishing Species", which looked like a cheap knockoff of Lion Country Safari. I was thinking, what types of "vanishing species" could someone be keeping in this ramshackle farm in the middle of nowhere? Then I just assumed it was a small group of caged teenagers who act polite, drive defensively, and wear clothing that fits. That's the only vanishing species I can think of around here...

no autographs, please

2006-03-23T13:04:00.000-05:00

Working From Home: Advantage #264 - You get to listen to the radio all day. Which has enabled me to make my second appearance in as many weeks on a major American media outlet. I'm sure you all saw me when I was featured on NBC's Today Show on March 10 as "Woman on Street in Blue Hat, Waving Hello". The powers-that-be must have seen my performance, because that opened the door to my next appearance this afternoon on Kool 105.5's Lunchtime Cafe with Chef Mike Perry. I was invited to be featured as "The Tenth Caller". I was caught by surprise, however when I dialed in and actually got through on the first try. I had just taken an enormous bite of meatloaf and potatoes, so when the DJ answered, I was only able to muster a muffled "Am-I-da-tenf-carler?". As good fortune would have it, I WAS da tenf carler! For my appearance, I was paid generously with dinner for two at Costello's Ristorante Italiano. If you wish to book me for similar appearances, like "Inarticulate Crime Eyewitness" on the local news, or "Woman Falling on Wedding Cake" in Funniest Home Videos, please call my agent.

start spreadin' the news

2006-03-14T20:55:00.000-05:00

Well what's the point of a blog if I don't ramble endlessly about my vacation to NYC? No, I didn't drive in Manhatten this time. And there's a van driver out there somewhere who's REALLY happy about that.

These are two of the dearest women that I know. Take a good look because you won't see quality like this again...until you meet a couple of my other friends.

Katie, Nancy, say hello to the People! Honestly, People have you ever seen two more glowing women in your entire life? I love these girls.

They were my travel partners. There's not enough space on the Blogger server to tell of all the fun, laughter, and joy we experienced along the way, but I can certainly share some highlights. We'd only been together for 30 minutes before breaking into fits of laughter when Nancy actually used the word "diseased" in a sentence. "Diseased" became the keyword for the rest of the trip. We strove to use it as often as possible. Anyway, here's a quick rundown of the events that transpired:

Arrived at the hotel where Katie immediately had an AWESOME bottle of champagne and some sweet treats sent up from room service!!
Had some of the most delicious Chinese food EVER at a restaurant near Grand Central. Sorry I can't remember the name, but it's down the way from "Saga" on Lexington Ave. Please eat there, and order the cashew chicken.
Went ice skating at Rockefeller Center. I thought it would be funnier and more memorable if one of us fell, so I did. Yes, that's why I fell. Twice.
Awesome dinner at the Pig & Whistle. Please eat there, too, and order the Shepherd's Pie. Great call, Katie.
Nightcaps for everyone at Peter Dillons! 140 E 40th. Please drink there, and order the Blackberry Schnapps. And if you see a guy that's a dead ringer for Brenden Frasier, give him my undying devotion...
Next morning, up at 5 am for our scheduled appearance on the "Today Show" (Scheduled by none other than "us"). It feels wrong for me to divulge the details of that little jaunt. That's a story for another day. On a high note, we got our photo taken with Katie Couric.

Yes, Katie C. was really that cute in real life, Matt was hot, Anne was gorgeous, and Al was adorable. By the way, I'm the lumbering Amazon on the right that looks like a partially fallen willow tree.

Later that day, more shopping, then R&R at the hotel. Then showered and dressed for dinner in Little Italy. If "Luna" on Mulberry St. is closed, please eat at La Nonna. Order anything BUT the house Cabernet. Shopping in Chinatown was very productive. They carry bubble gum flavored Chap-et, which I heard all the celebs are grappling for.
One white-knuckle cab ride later (thanks Habib) we were back at Peter Dillions. Since Brenden Frasier wasn't there, we went belly up to the hotel bar instead. Many thanks to the ol' fart with awful teeth who provided many laughs that night.
8 rejuvenating-hours-of-sleep later we were on our way to the "Spirit of NJ" for our boat tour of the Hudson river. Everyone on the boat got to see a majestic lady that day. But enough about me! We also got to see the Statue of Liberty! Seriously though, best $32 I ever spent. Included a DELICIOUS buffet lunch. Oh, I have a message for the guy sitting beside us: Mr Ed called and he wants his laugh back.
Upon debarking, it was more shopping, then off to Sardi's for drinks and appetizers! Since anything more would have required a 2nd mortgage on our homes we were off to the Joshua Tree in the Theater District for something more substantial. If you don't go anywhere else in NYC, please go there and ask for Lindsay. She was the sweetest thing EVER. Thank you Lindsay, we had a blast!!
Finally, we graced the "Cutting Room" with our presence for one final cocktail, and were subsequently asked to relenquish our desirable and comfy red leather chairs for a party of folks who apparently planned to spend more money than us. Clearly they didn't know who we were. Hmph!!
The next day it was off to the airport and back to the real world where draft beer no longer costs $6, where a continental breakfast no longer costs $22, and where you're allowed to bring your giant pretzel into the hotel bar without being scolded!!

::Sigh:: I miss my friends. But through lots of pictures, memories, and the laughter-induced soreness in my ribs, I carry them with me always.

talk amongst yourselves!!

2006-03-13T13:25:00.000-05:00

I found myself absolutely choking back the tears during this clip. A HUGE thank you to my good buddy Red Gump for sending me that!

you can't take it with you...nor should you

2006-03-08T22:01:00.000-05:00

At the Dollar Tree today I noticed a product called "Disposable Douche". Is there some "other" kind that I'm not aware of?

must-see tv

2006-02-27T08:44:00.000-05:00

Do you find it ironic that I am totally addicted to the show "Intervention" on A&E?

horsing around at work

2006-02-24T19:58:00.000-05:00

My co-worker and I had a little too much fun today. He made a reference about how scheduling a certain meeting would be putting the buggy in front of the horse. So I wrote back to correct the expression, which is actually "putting the cart before the horse". For some reason, when I wrote "the cart", I remembered Rene "Descartes" (pronounced day-cart) who is credited with the famous saying "I think, therefore I am". So I emailed a classic quip to my co-worker:

Descartes walks into a bar, the bartender asks, "Can I get you a drink?"
Descartes replies, "I think not."
...and he disappears.

2 emails later my co-worker and I had come up with something of our own.

A horse walks into a bar and waits patiently to be served. Rene Descartes walks in shortly after and the bartender almost trips over himself to serve Descartes first. Miffed, the horse speaks up and says "Excuse me, bartender, I was here first." Realizing his blunder, the bartender apologized and said "I wasn't thinking, sir"...and he disappeared.

Lesson? Don't put Descartes before the horse.

[tap-tap] Is this thing on?

well, it's one of those times again.

2006-02-24T14:32:00.000-05:00

I've been traveling, which always causes me to become pensive. (By the way, the whole lay-off thing last October ended up being a blessing in disguise. I got a new job working from home, and every 6 weeks or so I have to travel.) So as I said, I was traveling this week and it got me thinking. Airports have always been noisy places, but these days they seem especially noisy. Not only do you have the announcements over the loudspeakers, and the rumble of the jet engines, but now you have loud cellphone-talkers, larger crowds of people, and poorly disciplined children. Not to mention all the talking heads on the plasma screen TV's spewing news of deadly bird-flu, elevated terror alerts, and growing numbers of American fatalities in a foreign war that America doesn't even understand. Of course, that's the news you'll catch if you're not distracted by the celebrity news ticker at the bottom reporting Brangelina's pregnancy, right above the stock ticker reporting the plunging stock prices, next to the Pacific, Central, Mountain and Eastern time displays, coupled with the current temperature in every major American city.

Sensory overload, much?

This trip I must say, was better than some. The cellphone talkers weren't as obnoxious as usual, the children were more well-behaved, and passengers didn't bring nearly as much shit with them as they usually do. I didn't get an opportunity during auto-check-in to check my suitcase, so I gate checked it. But I think there was plenty of room in the overhead bin to bring it on board for once! Oh well. I never gate checked anything before. I had visions of us pulling away from the gate and seeing my little red suitcase sitting precariously at the edge of the jetway like a vacationer that just missed their cruise. But sure enough, when I walked up to the carousel at baggage claim later that night, those rubber mudflaps opened right up and spit "Ol' Red" out of it's gaping maw and into my eager hands.

The trip TO the airport earlier that day was not without incident, I'm afraid. From NJ, on my way to Newark Liberty, I took 95 NORTH, as I was told to follow the signs for the George Washington Bridge. I learned, however, that there is a certain point at which you no longer need to follow those signs. Long story short, I ended up at a toll booth and $6 later I was cruising across the GW Bridge which deposited me into the Upper West Side of Manhatten. Now, all I had to do was turn left onto 178th Street, drive 1 block, and turn left again to get back on the bridge. But I couldn't even do that properly and without getting honked at. I pulled up behind the car in front of me, stayed inside my lane, and let people turning right go before I turned left. But apparently in NYC you're supposed to straddle the lane, crowd around the car in front of you instead of waiting behind them, and ignore what you've ever learned about giving people turning right the right of way. (That does explain the mystery surrounding behavior at the grocery checkouts in South Florida) So I drove a whole quarter of a block in NYC. Poorly. But NYC hasn't seen the last of me!

I'll be back.

what happened in the stairway?

2005-10-29T17:18:00.000-04:00

Well, it wasn't exactly what happened "IN" the stairway, as much as what was happening outside while I was crouching and huddling in the staiway. Hurricane Wilma is what happened! It's really difficult to describe what it's like to hide in your house while hearing your roof being torn apart right above your head. And you can't "SEE" what's happening because if you're lucky you have hurricane shutters that block the view through the windows. So I won't even try to describe it. We'll just say it was awful and leave it at that.

The hurricane hit on a Monday, and the previous Friday I had gotten laid off. So I was huddled in the stairway that Monday, listening to the house coming apart, and I was thinking "Lost my job on Friday, catastrophic hurricane today...is someone trying to tell me something?" If so, God won't win any awards for subtelty. That was the moment when I had my Revelation in the Stairway. I told myself that if I got out of this mess alive, I would hightail it out of Florida and never look back. So 4 months later, my roof has been repaired, a garage sale is in the works, house is going on the market, and I'm shoving off to Utah!