a not-so-perfect "10"

Last Friday I got off work and, like a fool, got all excited about shoe shopping for a much-needed pair of new sneakers. I optimistically made my way to the store, like a fool. I'm Pavlovian about the whole thing, really. I always head for the shoe store with excited anticipation the way the dog went for the food...and inevitably am met with the same disappointment as when Spot finds his bowl empty again.

To make my point, let's do a fun exercise. Go to www.shoes.com. Click the link on the left that says "Womens". (Humor me, guys.) See in the top right corner where it has the number of records found? Tonight it says 18,426. I'm sure that increases daily. Now scroll down on the left and narrow by Size 10.5. Now how many records found?

720.

I am a bona fide size 10.5. I own 10's that pinch, 11's that flop, and an irregular 9.5 that's not half bad. So let's look at the options on this website. Anything for the career woman? Hmmm, yes indeed, if your career is "prison guard", "professional pole vaulter", or "lumberjack". "Us big gals, we likes us some boots!"

Let's recap. Out of EIGHEEN THOUSAND entries on a website called "SHOES" dot com, 4% of them would potentially fit me, and most of them would only be appropriate if I spent my days a) lounging in my bathrobe, or b) wandering around in my vegetable garden.

If it's that bad online, I DEFY you to walk into any brick and mortar store and ask the salesperson for a womens 10.5 in anything. Note the look on their face. Then ask them for a shirt with three sleeves. The look on their face? Probably not so different!