this is your pilot, uhhh, speaking

On the way home from that suc-cess-ful trip to California, I realized I need to speak out on yet another issue of American air travel. It is regarding the pilots themselves and their devastatingly sub-par ability to make an announcement over the intercom. As many flights as they take, you'd think they would come up with some script for announcements, but they inevitably end up sounding like it's the first time they ever said it! You've heard it before. The gravelly-voiced mumbling, the long pauses, the loud POP! every time they say the letter P that blows that deafening blast of air into the mouthpiece.

Good afternoon uhhhhhhhhhhh this is your POP!-ilot, uhhhhhhhhhh...Welcome aboard Flight fifteen eighty two with service to uhhhhhh [20 second pause] POP!-ittsburg POP!-ennsylvania. Flight time is uhhhhhhhhhhh a-POP!-roximately one hour and uhhhhhhhhhhh eighteen minutes and the current weather in POP!-ittsburg is uhhhhhhhhhh...seventy-seven...

[Long pause during which you drink a Diet Coke and finish 2 Sudoku puzzles]

...degrees and sunny. Enjoy the flight