This blog is like Seinfeld. It's not really "about" anything.

Saturday, September 13, 2008

let the games begin...

Spoiler Alert! If you haven't seen Episodes 1 and 2 of Bravo's Top Design this season: (A) Shame on you, and (B) you might not want to read this, as it reveals many juicy details that I have so gleefully observed as I cheer for my favorite contestant, Big Daddy Kerry. Quite an interesting mix of folks they've assembled this season, the eccentricities of which are just BEGGING to be blogged about.

I'd like to start with a tip for Andrea, aka, "Mrs. Rick Shroder". If you want to distinguish yourself as someone besides Rick Shroder's wife, you might want to stop mentioning that you're married to Rick Shroder at least four times per show, and stop showing pictures of you with your husband Rick Shroder. Anyone born before 1985 can tell who Rick Shroder is just by seeing the back of Rick Shroder's head, so that photo of you embracing Rick Shroder makes it clear to everyone that you're married to Rick Shroder.

And now, on to the people who are not married to Rick Shroder. Could someone please make Natalie stop talking? While everyone else was in History class learning that it was actually the JAPANESE who were bombed at Hiroshima, she must have been scribbling "I Heart Rick Shroder" all over her Trapper Keeper, with a big circle dotting the "i" in "Rick".

Also not married to Rick Shroder, we have Shazia, the absent-minded little scamp who nearly ruined her entire team's fabric and wallpaper stash by letting the sink overflow in Episode 1. In 50 years, they'll open up her bomb shelter and determine that 49 years and 51 weeks ago, she sadly succumbed to extreme carbon monoxide poisoning brought on by the scores of scented candles she left burning as she slept. The good news is, the stench of the body will be masked by the overwhelming smell of jasmine, french vanilla, and pumpkin orange spice.

Then there's someone named Teresa, who has completely faded into the background. Her only claims to fame at this point are (A) she's not married to Rick Shroder, and (B) she managed to not beat Natalie to death with a paint roller as they worked on their bunker together.

Ondine. She hasn't done anything yet that justifies launching an attack on her character, but we're only two weeks in. I give her credit for diplomatically mentioning that Andrea's husband looks alot like Rick Shroder from the back of his head, when you know she REALLY wanted to say "I like how that picture only shows half of your husband Rick Shroder's face so that someone besides me will eventually realize that your husband really IS Rick Shroder, at which point you'll innocently say you didn't realize that anyone would be able to tell that it's Rick Shroder from a picture that shows half of your husband Rick Shroder's face." By the way, Andrea didn't bring any pictures of her kids, by her husband Rick Shroder. They're not famous enough.

Dear, dear, Jennifer. She actually seems like a sweet, intelligent young woman, and is probably a terrific architect, but she was just a fish out of water on this show. Kudos to her for taking a risk and giving this design thing a shot, even though she's not married to Rick Shroder. For the record, if they had a Top Design Slam-Dunk B-ball challenge, she would blow everyone else AWAY. Buuuuuut it's not, so pack up your fabric swatches, sister!

Here's what I know about Eddie. (A) He doesn't like it when people steal his pillows, and (B) he works for Martha Stewart magazine. He's not as much of a name-dropper as Rick Shroder's wife, but he's managed to sneak Martha's name in there a couple times, which could become irksome if it continues. You can tell this dude totally lives and breathes interior design, b/c he literally bounces on his toes like an excited child when he discusses his work.

The deeeeelicious Preston. I might have to start wearing a bib during the show if he keeps walking around with that face. And that hair. And that chest. When he talks, it sounds like the adults on the Peanuts cartoons to me. I'm so enchanted by what I'm looking at, it renders me unable to formulate the sounds into words. Who cares what his bunker looks like, as long as he's in it? Rick Shroder WISHES he was married to him...

I think I could better appreciate Wisit's design talent if it didn't look like he was trying to scrape the enamel off his teeth with his lips when he talks. And sings. Opera.

In Episode 1, Nathan mentioned that he wanted to kill himself at one point, which I thought was a real coincidence, because so did I. That dumb hat he was sporting made him look a bit phallic, which I also though was a coincidence, since he seems like a bit of a Richard at times. He has redeemed himself with some pretty good designs, but he also keeps lucking out by getting good teammates. I have a feeling he's teetering on the edge of a massive hair-pulling, eye-scratching, cat fight meltdown, and if paired with the wrong person, he'll snap like a Thanksgiving wishbone.

Pauly Shore, find a new nickname because I officially dub Robert the new "Weasel". His was one of the most well-deserved dismissals in reality show history. My only regret is that he wasn't around long enough to be the target of Nathan's inevitable meltdown. I was looking forward to seeing what his trendy square eyeglasses would look like with a big crack in the lens.

Serge. This guy should be voted off simply for using the name "Serge" pronounced with a soft G, like in "Zsa Zsa". Henceforth, I shall refer to him as "Surge" out of sheer defiance. If his goofy name wasn't enough to get him eliminated, his heinously bad "Skippy-peanut-butter-and-upside-down-beer in a shadowbox" was.

And finally, you simply HAVE to love Big Daddy Kerry if not for his nickname alone. Hands down, he wins my award for "Most memorable sound-bites spoken by a reality show contestant." His quips cover Deep South subjects ranging from roosters in a barnyard to fat boys on a rotisserie. He has the ultimate small town country boy charm with big city class and talent. I look forward to many more Kerry-isms in the future, and if he was to actually win the award of "Top Design", why, I'd be happier than a prize pig at a 4-H Fair.

In closing, I'd like to add an interesting, and little-known bit of trivia. Andrea is married to Rick Shroder. Rick Shroder, Rick Shroder, Rick Shroder. Red Rover Red Rover, send Rick Shroder right over.

Rick Shroder!

6 Comments:

Blogger Gagi said...

Hilarious!!!!!! This week, Rick Schroder's wife wasn't as annoying as last week. I thought Rick Schroder's wife's bunker was great. I bet Rick Schroder wouldn't mind spending vacation there. Without Rick Schroder's kids, of course.

As for Big Daddy Kerry, he has definitely become my fav. I will now call him Ker-Bear as our girl, Shazia, calls him. She's annoying as anything, but she did come up with a cute name.

Go, Ker-Bear!

5:41 PM

 
Blogger Marce (BrownBerry) said...

I swear fo' the lawd you should get PAID for this comic genius.

Whoooweee I hope this comes to the library on DVD. Off to google images of Rick Schroder!

8:23 PM

 
Blogger Voss Family said...

Kel, So you only blog about once a year, but how can i complain when is such masterful writings as this! "scrapping the enamal off his teeth" has to be the best description I could have ever read to describe the Oprah singer! I literally spit out my beverage reading that! (note to self, Do not consume beverages while reading one of Kelli's blogs). Anyway, great stuff...you have to send to BRAVO!!!

4:31 PM

 
Blogger clay bolt said...

Kelli,

What else can I say?; Dicky Schroder has been washed up since White Fang. Besides, you don't hear Kerry going around saying he knows us, right?

Keep up the commentary.

Clay

4:11 PM

 
Blogger nancy said...

enough already, you almost made me pee my pants!! Really, I'm hoping more inspiration will come your way, because I need a good laugh these days!!

12:06 PM

 
Blogger Voss Family said...

Kel, we need a review of the night Kerry got booted! I'm still mad! Damn Wisit!

10:31 AM

 

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