This blog is like Seinfeld. It's not really "about" anything.

Thursday, December 04, 2008

40 is the new delusional

I saw a movie on Lifetime last week (Yes, Lifetime. Don't even say it...) starring Ann-Margret. The movie itself was average, but what made it remarkable was that Ann (who was 55 at the time) played a 45-year old in the movie. And it was believable! I could only hope to look that well at 35 much less 55.

Today there was a preview for another upcoming Lifetime movie (YES, Lifetime again...) called "Flirting with 40". From what I can tell, it seems very "Stella-Got-Her-Groove-Back"-ish. Woman who is uncharacteristically attractive for her age meets a younger man, etc.

So I saw the title "Flirting With 40" and thought, ok it must be a story about a member of AARP (Heather) who falls for a younger guy who's 40, hence the title "Flirting With 40". I'm not being unkind, I just happen to know that Heather is nearly 50 because they talk about it ALL THE TIME in the entertainment news, and how great she looks in a bikini and what not. And I agree! So then I read the synopsis of the movie on the TV directory.

"A divorced mother approaching her 40th birthday falls for a younger man while on vacation."

I try to keep a PG rating on my blog, but this calls for a "Bitch, please!" "Approaching" her 40th? "Flirting" with 40? Honey, Heather Locklear done approached 40, flirted with it, married it, had it's babies, divorced it, took it to the cleaners, microwaved it, ate it, puked it up, and flushed it down the terlet.

And I say that with the utmost respect. But it's a little insulting when movies try to pass these women off as something they're just not. Here's the irony: The steps that actresses take to make themselves look younger are actually a dead give-away to their TRUE age! In Heather's case, I'm talking about the bloated trout-pout lips. She must stop taking plastic surgery advice from her BFF's Melanie Griffith and Priscilla Pressley immediately. I know you're with me on this. When you start to see the aging celebrities' swollen collagen lips and waxy chemical peel foreheads, you know you make that clicking sound with your cheek, shake your head, and say "Ooooh, dear. Look at that. So sad."

Really, you can make sense of all this with some simple Hollywood math.

Suzie is 68 years old and wants a face and neck-lift. The 4-hour surgery is done on a Monday, and the total bill is $37,000. Suzie's net-worth is appoximately $779,000, and she has a 32" waist. If it takes her 6 weeks to recover from the surgery and she pays for it with a credit card ending in 5862, how old will Suzie look when it's finished?
So you add up the 4, the 37,000, the 779,000, the 32, the 6, and the 5862. That gives us 821,904. Now substract that number from itself. That leaves us with zero. Now add that to Suzie's age. What do you have left? Let me get a calculator. Let's see...carry the five...divide by the square root of Pi...okay, I have 68. Suzie will look 68.

I laugh now, but let's see if I'm singing a different tune 20 years from now, right? I'll probably be settling down for the night to watch TV with my 15 cats and I'll catch an old re-run of "Flirting With 40" on Turner Classic Movies. As the TV screen glows brightly on my face that now looks like Bonneville Salt Flats, I'll look at Heather and think to myself "Oh yeah. She can totally pull off 40. Just look at those plump, youthful lips."

4 Comments:

Blogger Marce (BrownBerry) said...

OMG
I'm sending every female I know over here to read this.

Falling off my CHAIR laughing.
When's the book coming out?? Hmmm???

8:29 AM

 
Blogger Gagi said...

Holy cow! Your math skills are amazing. When you're Heather's age, I have no doubt you'll look way better than her - and your boy toy will be much cuter than Robert Buckley!

11:04 PM

 
Blogger nancy said...

crap, now I have to change my pants! thanks kel!!

10:57 AM

 
Blogger Voss Family said...

Is there anything really to comment here accept "let's all raise our glasses and toast to the queen of comedy"
Kelli, seriously, you need to send this these blogs to a publisher...if you don't one of us will one day!!!!!

1:15 PM

 

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