another gem

How is it that "Full House" and "I Dream of Jeannie" are still in re-runs, but not this?? I need my Nell.



That was the Season 1 Intro. Season 3, if you please...



I KNOW. Much better! They changed the lyrics, borrowed Herbie Hancock's synthesizer, and really snazzed things up.

In an age where kids have their first set of veneers by 3rd grade, it's cool look back and see Lara Jill Miller with real, old-fashioned metal braces. No ceramic brackets! No Invisalign! And that poor aquarium really got a workout, didn't it?? First the vacuum, then the juggling. I hope the fish negotiated a better contract. The best, of course, is when Nell strangles that lying bastard scale to death.

In the last couple seasons, they brought in a bunch of new characters, but it just wasn't the same ol "Gimme"! Well, I liked her best friend Addy cuz Nell was always tackling her and wrestling around with her for various reasons. The friend's name was Telma Hopkins in real life and every time I saw the credits, I thought her name was Thelma and they forgot the H. Joey Lawrence, however did NOTHING for me. A singing, tap-dancing, cheese-grinning boy with a Dorothy Hamill bowl haircut exactly like mine? Why waste my time when I could be drooling over Tommy, the blonde, sun-tanned stud from "Alice". Give ME a break.

sniffing out a criminal

I won't bore you with the details. Basically, a guy broke his leg on purpose so he could wear a cast made of cocaine and smuggle it through the airport. How would you like it if you snorted up one of the chunks that was wrapped around his smelly toes, or the bottom of his dry, flaky heel?

strange, yes. perfect, hardly

For some reason I was thinking about this goofy show today.



The opening credits to 80's sitcoms were the absolute best thing in the whole world. For every show, they actually hired someone to write a song that explained exactly what the show was about. Or they sing about how tough life is, but you can achieve anything anyway. So even though Balki and Cousin Larry (pronounced "Co-Sin Leddy") worked in a newspaper mailroom, they still had a pretty cool apartment and hot blonde girlfriends with large ta-ta's. (Balki's "America or Burst" sign was a premonition. His future lady-friend is practically bursting out of her shirt, so he got both of his wishes.) So anyway, the entire first minute of every show was filled with the elaborate song, actors' names and headshots, and all the hilarious, adorable, physical mishaps taken from clips of the show. Pie in the face, dancing a jig, dropping a wedding cake then blowing your bangs out of your eyes and shrugging your shoulders...and as Balki and Larry demonstrate above, the classic "getting lost in a revolving door" gag, which is only SLIGHTLY less predictable than the ol' "pregnant lady in an elevator" gag.

Sadly, the customized "theme song" has become a dying art...the stuff of legend! Speaking of legend, where exactly is Bronson Pinchot these days?? I picture him sharing a studio apartment in West Hollywood with Richard Grieco and eating Cup-O-Noodle for most of his meals. But he still can't go to the mall without 'perfect strangers' (haha) begging him to say his famous catchphrase "Get out of the city!" in his best Balki voice.

"Don't be ree-deek-ulous!!"