this is your pilot, uhhh, speaking

On the way home from that suc-cess-ful trip to California, I realized I need to speak out on yet another issue of American air travel. It is regarding the pilots themselves and their devastatingly sub-par ability to make an announcement over the intercom. As many flights as they take, you'd think they would come up with some script for announcements, but they inevitably end up sounding like it's the first time they ever said it! You've heard it before. The gravelly-voiced mumbling, the long pauses, the loud POP! every time they say the letter P that blows that deafening blast of air into the mouthpiece.

Good afternoon uhhhhhhhhhhh this is your POP!-ilot, uhhhhhhhhhh...Welcome aboard Flight fifteen eighty two with service to uhhhhhh [20 second pause] POP!-ittsburg POP!-ennsylvania. Flight time is uhhhhhhhhhhh a-POP!-roximately one hour and uhhhhhhhhhhh eighteen minutes and the current weather in POP!-ittsburg is uhhhhhhhhhh...seventy-seven...

[Long pause during which you drink a Diet Coke and finish 2 Sudoku puzzles]

...degrees and sunny. Enjoy the flight

replacement parts

I'm not the only one with some big shoes to fill. Luna was a fine piece of American...err Korean...ehhhh Japanese machinery, and I knew she'd be a tough act to follow. It wasn't until I happened upon this charcoal-colored beauty that I believed it could be done. It has a lot of neat gadgets, the most note-worthy being the Blue-Tooth capability with steering wheel-mounted controls. I'm so blinded by the coolness of it, that I really wouldn't care if the car itself was made out of Play-Doh. OK, after the novelty of the Blue-Tooth wore off, it probably WOULD bother me that it was made out of Play-Doh. Although, think how easy and affordable repairs would be...

a not-so-perfect "10"

Last Friday I got off work and, like a fool, got all excited about shoe shopping for a much-needed pair of new sneakers. I optimistically made my way to the store, like a fool. I'm Pavlovian about the whole thing, really. I always head for the shoe store with excited anticipation the way the dog went for the food...and inevitably am met with the same disappointment as when Spot finds his bowl empty again.

To make my point, let's do a fun exercise. Go to www.shoes.com. Click the link on the left that says "Womens". (Humor me, guys.) See in the top right corner where it has the number of records found? Tonight it says 18,426. I'm sure that increases daily. Now scroll down on the left and narrow by Size 10.5. Now how many records found?

720.

I am a bona fide size 10.5. I own 10's that pinch, 11's that flop, and an irregular 9.5 that's not half bad. So let's look at the options on this website. Anything for the career woman? Hmmm, yes indeed, if your career is "prison guard", "professional pole vaulter", or "lumberjack". "Us big gals, we likes us some boots!"

Let's recap. Out of EIGHEEN THOUSAND entries on a website called "SHOES" dot com, 4% of them would potentially fit me, and most of them would only be appropriate if I spent my days a) lounging in my bathrobe, or b) wandering around in my vegetable garden.

If it's that bad online, I DEFY you to walk into any brick and mortar store and ask the salesperson for a womens 10.5 in anything. Note the look on their face. Then ask them for a shirt with three sleeves. The look on their face? Probably not so different!

farewell, old friend

My dear Luna (full name: Luna E. Clipse) has gone to live with a lovely family in Leeds, UT, where she'll have lots more room to run and play.


Thanks for 4 years of loyal service. It's been a great run - I'll miss you, old girl.